Help! Its another tantrum
By Sue Dinwiddie

You hear screams and howls! You watch fist flail and feet kick. Overwhelmed by tension, confusion or helplessness you think, Oh no! Another temper tantrum! What do I do now?"

You may be relieved to learn that you are not alone in being bombarded with temper tantrums. Great fury from small beings is common from the second year of life through age four. There is good news! Some simple techniques can help during this period of development.

The first step is to understand which kind of tantrum is in force. Is the tantrum manipulative, verbal frustration, or temperamental? Manipulative tantrums occur when the child does not get her own way. It will stop when it is ignored. The child erupts, the parent calmly walks away. Before long the tantrum subsides, and the child sobs into contrition. Some parents prefer to remove the child to her room, "When you are through with your tantrum, you may come back and join us."

Young children don't actually plot out, "Okay, I'm not getting my own way, so I'll throw a fit." They fall apart without thinking. But if the parent gives in to stop the tantrum, the behavior is rewarded and reinforced, leading to tantrum blackmail. Unless the child is hurting himself or another, explain why you cannot satisfy your child's desire and offer an alternative. Beyond that, grit your teeth, breathe deeply, and try to think of something pleasant, while occupying yourself with an activity.

Ignoring is difficult if you are on an outing. If you are at the park or a friend's house, explain why you couldn't satisfy the request, and bring the child home. "Climbing the spiral slide is not safe. You could get hurt. When you scream and yell, we have to go home. We'll come again another day." The grocery store is the most challenging time to deal with a manipulative tantrum. Step out of the checkout line temporarily with your child, "Excuse me, I need to deal with this . Go ahead of me, please." Ignore the looks of others. If they haven't been through this ordeal, they've never had children. Their approval is irrelevant. Try offering your child another alternative; if that fails, explain that you will wait with the child until she is back in control. Unless you want to replay this scenario on each shopping trip, do not give in to the demand. As you plan your next shopping trip, let your child know that you will be going alone. After your child has missed one shopping excursion, try again. Before departing, explain your expectations, "I am going to the grocery store. You may go with me, but we won't be buying you anything. However, you may push the basket ."

A second type of tantrum is the verbal frustration tantrum. These tantrums occur when the child knows what she wants but lacks the verbal skills to communicate clearly. Frustration boils over, and the drama begins. Ignoring these tantrums makes the child even more frustrated. Validate the anger by helping your child label her feelings. Then problem-solve: "You are feeling mad and pulling at your stomach. I wonder if that belt it too tight?" If you are lucky, your child will nod yes, and you can offer help. "We can loosen that belt." If you guessed wrong, ask the child to show you what is bothering her or to point to the problem. Verbal frustration tantrums subside as children's communication skills improve.

A third type of tantrum occurs when the child's frustration level reaches the rage stage, and he becomes totally out of control, falling apart emotionally. This is the temperamental tantrum. The child may be too tired or tremendously disappointed. As with verbal frustration tantrums, temperamental tantrums are seldom cured by ignoring. The child can rarely gain control alone. Feeling irritable, cross and excitable is scary, confusing and disorienting for children. It is difficult to concentrate and to regain control. Even if they don't ask for help, these children need it. The following techniques can help your child regain composure.

. Take a deep breath and try to remain calm yourself.

. Always validate that your child is indeed angry. "That makes you very angry, doesn't it?"

. Encourage your child to verbalize her feelings and desires. "Use your words to tell me you are angry. Tell me what you want." Putting feelings and desires into words is empowering for children and helps them to understand their frustration.

. Acknowledge what your child does or does not want. "You are ripping off that sweater. You can tell me with words that you don't want to wear it." Nothing escalates anger faster than having it discounted. "Of course, you don't hate the sweater that Grandma knit for you. See how pretty it is!"

. Offer an acceptable alternative choice: "I won't buy candy, but you can decide on whether you want fish crackers or a banana." 

One or more of these additional strategies can come in handy:

. Find a way to say "yes!" Avoid "No! You may not have candy!" Try "Yes, you may have something to eat as soon as we get in the car. You decide if you want fish crackers or a banana."

. Hold your child and give loving hugs.

. Offer verbal reassurance: "You are upset, but you will recover." "When you calm down, we can think of something to make you feel better."

. If your child cannot stand being touched when upset, remain close while uttering reassuring phrases. "Your anger has gotten out of control. I will help you calm down."

. If your child is being aggressive, restrain her gently but firmly. "You are feeling angry but you don't need to hit. Use words to say you are mad."

. Encourage your child to take some deep breaths: "Take a big breath and blow all your mad into this pretend balloon." Expand your hands to emulate a swelling balloon. Repeat this a few times, blowing more pretend balloons.

. Help your child find a means of comfort. A special blanket or toy brings comfort to some children, while others seek out a favorite person. "You are upset that I must leave. I know you would like to come with me, but my job is to go to work, while your job is to stay at school. Let's take your blanket and find Teacher Jill to be with you."

. Use a distraction such as a song, a book, or a favorite activity. One teacher has success by singing a song to the child on her lap as she draws a "Feel Better Picture:" "I am drawing a feel better picture for Joshua. Here's a green dot on Joshua's picture. A yellow dot goes here." As Joshua begins to show some interest, she sings, "Now where shall I put my red dot?" Before long Joshua is directing where the dots go by pointing to the page. When the teacher senses the time is right, she encourages Joshua to draw the dots himself.
 
Tantrums can be as hard on parents as they are on children. Evaluating the situation at a nontemper time can strengthen coping skills.

. Analyze the outbursts to find some patterns: Are the tantrums occurring at a special time of day? Do they occur more in certain locations or when a particular person is around? What has happened right before the tantrum?

. Take preventative steps based on your analysis. If your child frequently has a fit leaving school, arrive early to spend some time with her in an activity. Since children react negatively to rushing, prepare your child for transitions and allow adequate time. "In five minutes it will be time to gather up your things and go home. This is the time to finish your project." If your child is often irrational before dinner, decide if she is hungry or wants your attention. Offer a wholesome snack while you are fixing the meal, or let her help you fix the meal. If tantrums occur often at bedtime, consider whether she is getting enough rest. Perhaps bedtime should be earlier before total exhaustion is reached. Are activities before bed over stimulating?

. Evaluate honestly how you react when your child goes into tantrum mode? Do you lose your cool and become angry?

. Plan your most effective means of controlling your own reactions to the tantrums. It is not easy to stay calm when your child is carrying on forcefully. Try talking silently to yourself. "I don't like this outburst; it makes me feel angry, but I don't have to lose my temper, too. I can model calmness for my child. We can get through this." Some parents count to ten or twenty, some parents sing or whistle to gain control; some parents take a few deep breaths. Experiment until you find a techniques that works for you.

. Talk to other parents and get tips from them.

Remember that when you lose control, it is doubly hard for your child to gain composure.

If your child's tantrums are extreme and frequent, if you are finding it difficult to control your own anger, or if abuse is involved or even a temptation, get some outside help. A few sessions with a therapist can give you a fresh perspective with some successful coping methods. 

Deciding to Spare the Rod (or not)
A Positive Parenting article

Imagine if someone with authority said to you that you could not use corporal punishment to discipline your children. Stop and think...how would you handle it?

Would it cause dramatic changes in the way you discipline your kids? Would you go into a panic? Would you give up disciplining all together?

Eliminating corporal punishment means more than forgoing bottom spanking. It includes a slap on the wrist, the smack on the face and any other body parts that may be struck.

Numerous studies have revealed that if we were raised with corporal punishment we will most likely raise our children the same way. What we know about being parents generally comes from the parents that raised us.

Some of you may be asking at this point, so what’s really wrong with a swat on the bottom? It’s fast, effective and has nothing to do with child abuse. However, very few people can say with confidence that they have never hit their kids just a little harder than they intended. It’s possible for well intentioned loving parents to get angry enough with their children to use spanking as a means of releasing their own anger. Although these parents are well aware that the purpose of discipline is to teach, when corporal punishment is used, the danger of using and abusing children is greater.

Most parents will agree that children learn a great deal through imitation, especially when they see their children dress up in their clothes, repeat familiar phrases or even pantomime cigarette smoking. When mom or dad spanks little Tommy they are using hitting as a form of communication. They are in fact teaching him through imitation to communicate with his hands (hitting) instead of with words.

When our children see us become so angry with them that we strike them, we not only lose sight of why we are disciplining them, but we show them that it is an appropriate way to deal with anger.

So where does that leave our imaginary situation where corporal punishment is not permitted? In order to teach our children right from wrong we know that discipline has an important place in rearing a child. The following case studies offer alternatives for parents who would like to, or are considering dropping corporal punishment from their lives.

Time-out (For you)

You walk into your bedroom and find red nail polish splattered all over your recently purchased white cashmere sweater. Needless to say you are quite upset and can feel a rush of adrenaline through your body commanding you to act immediately. This is probably not the best time to discipline your children. Give yourself time to deal with your own anger; take deep breaths, a hot bath, dust the house. The point is to deal with your own anger first so you don’t risk taking it out on your children. Then you can begin to think about how it happened. Was it an accident, a deliberate cry for attention or are your children mad at you?

Consider the possibilities. After you are calm and have a reasonably open mind call for your children. Having taken some “time-out” to deal with your own emotions you will be better equipped to deal effectively with the situation. Your children won’t be exposed to an irrational role model and most of all you will be capable of choosing the most appropriate form of discipline or simply finding out if something is bothering them.

Time-out (For them)

Four year old Lisa proceeds to throw a temper tantrum every time you tell her "no". It doesn’t matter whether you’re at the supermarket or a friend’s house; she kicks and screams until she eventually wears you down. Four year old Lisa has learned how to push your buttons. Fortunately, it’s not too late. Children who throw temper tantrums invariably want and receive attention. Whether the parent ends up consoling or yelling, the child receives attention for her negative behavior. This in turn reinforces her belief that temper tantrums gain your attention.

Lisa’s parent might try designating a place in the house where she can express her tantrum. Every time she is getting ready to have one, tell her you recognize her right to express her emotions (to be angry) and take her out of the environment and into a “Temper tantrum zone.” Stay with her without giving her attention. Read a magazine with one eye and watch her with the other (you want to prevent or intervene if she begins to hurt herself).

Temper tantrum zones can also be found outside the home. For example, if the tantrum begins in the grocery store, ask an employee to watch your cart while you take the child outside. Again watch her and listen to her but don’t give her any direct attention. When she has calmed down is the time to give her a treat like a box of Animal Crackers. Giving them to her during the tantrum again only reinforces the negative behavior.

A method for preventing tantrums in public places before they become a problem involves the use of "tickets". Before making your next trip to the store, cut three circles or squares out of cardboard or heavy paper for each child. Decorate them with stars, sparkles and a smiling face.

Before giving the children the tickets tell them the rules you want them to follow (as simply as possible) while you are in the store. When handing over the tickets to them, let them know that every time they break a rule you’re going to take a ticket away. Tell them they must have at least one ticket left if they want to play outside when you get home. If they lose all three tickets they will stay inside. For they child who is extra good and doesn’t lose a ticket, surprise her with an ice cream cone or something you know she likes.

When you use time-out to discipline children you are taking negative attention away. That is, you are not spanking or yelling. When attention is taken away however, it needs to be replaced somewhere else. Lisa’s parents might try going out of their way to give her attention for all the good things she does; thanking her because she was quiet while you were on the telephone or telling her what a great job she did putting on her own socks and shoes. If she’s getting enough positive attention she won’t need to seek it in a negative way.

Taking Away a Privilege (vs. a Right)

The first time your six year old son Mark drew a masterpiece on the kitchen wall you thought it was so cute that you signed and dated it. After a few attempts to get him to use paper, you decide that it’s time to rid him of this bad habit.

After Mark’s parents explained to him and he understood that writing on the walls is a no-no, and he continued to do it, taking away the privilege of using crayons will help to teach him why it is wrong. Explaining to the child why the crayons are being taken away and for how long demands a lot more from the parent than a swat on the bottom. In the long run however, the child will learn that if he wants to keep his crayons the walls are not for scribbling.

It is important here to discern between a right and a privilege. Basic needs such as shelter, food, clothes and sleep are rights. It is our responsibility as parents to care for the needs of our children and not withhold the things that sustain them.

Sending Mark to bed without any dinner when he is hungry is depriving him of a basic right; the need to eat. Privileges, on the other hand are the desserts after the meal. A trip to the ice cream parlor, watching a cartoon show on television or having a set of crayons are all fun but not essential to his daily growth.

When Mark drew on the walls it would not have made sense to discipline him by not letting him play with his friends that afternoon or taking away his television privileges for a day or two.

The punishment must make sense if the child is to learn from it. Taking away Mark’s crayons for doodling on the walls will cause him to think about how he must act if he wants to use his crayons. An important point to remember when using this method of discipline is that young children generally have very short memories. When a privilege is taken away from them for two or three days they may forget about the punishment the second day. It’s the parents job to remind the child (as many times as necessary) why he has lost the privilege and for how long. With young children three days is a fairly long time and should be used as a guideline.

Not giving in on the second day of a three day punishment is the key to using this method successfully. It’s imperative to let them know that the terms of the punishment stand (no matter how hard they try to talk you out of it) while continuously showing your love for them.

Additional Chores

Seven year old Jimmy has broken several items around the house probably due to a combination of carelessness, inattentiveness and roughhousing. This time he has broken a favorite vase of yours. After you have dealt with your anger and let him know you are upset at what he did, to discipline him by having him help with the vacuuming and dusting might not help you, but it might change his behavior. Jimmy’s carelessness could be a sign that he doesn’t feel important to the household or family. It could be this child’s way of communicating that he needs more attention.

As with taking away privileges this method is demanding on both the parent and child. It requires reminding the child how long, why and what the punishment is. It also requires the parent to let the child do these extra chores which may or may not be helpful.

In this case to discipline by adding chores is a double edged sword. On one hand tour teaching Jimmy through discipline that breaking things is not appropriate behavior and on the other hand you’re making him feel more a part of the household by giving him more to do. In addition, if the chores you add involve parent - child interaction, like helping with dinner or folding laundry, you’re also spending more time with him and giving him the attention he was asking for.

Energy Releasing Activity

You’ve noticed that after dinner your children begin yelling, fighting and eventually saying no to bedtime. They may have left over energy which they need to release.

Sometimes children get so wound up from either too much or too little activity that an 8:00 p.m. bedtime seems impossible. Pent up energy can cause the normally obedient child to find trouble.

In this case the parent might try having the children run laps in the backyard, do jumping jacks or other calisthenics, dance fast to music or perform any other non-destructive but physically demanding activity. The key to this method is to divert the children immediately from the negative behavior while giving them a positive way to release their energy.

Reasoning

Nine year old Bob ate an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies after you had told him he could only have a couple. Now Bob has a stomachache.

Sometimes with an older child the most appropriate way to discipline is simply to talk it out. If your child is punishing himself for his wrongdoing, all you may need to do is calmly discuss the situation. Bob’s stomachache is probably enough punishment for disobeying you. By reasoning with him you explain the cause and effect relationship between his disobeying you and why he’s not feeling good.

With these methods and all methods of discipline discussed above, talking with your child about the wrongdoing and the discipline will help you both assess what the child has learned from it.

All the corporal free methods of discipline discussed share the same guidelines in working effectively. First the discipline (if there is one) should be decided on and then begun immediately. That is, telling a child “If you do that one more time...” only invites her to do it again.

Second, following through with discipline not only shows a child that you are serious about changing her behavior but also causes the child to think and learn from it. No child will take discipline seriously if she knows she can usually talk the parent out of it.

Consistency is the third guideline. This entails using similar discipline for similar transgressions. This will actually make decisions about discipline easier for the parent since future punishment is based on past discipline. It will also give the child a clearer understanding of what behaviors are expected out of him.

The final guideline is having the punishment make sense. As discussed earlier, the punishment should be designed so the child learns from it.

To discipline without hitting is easier for both parent and child if corporal punishment was never used at all. However it is possible to effectively discipline without hitting even if corporal punishment was the only method used previously.

By persevering in your discipline and using a combination of the alternative suggested in this article parents can become better role models for their children by teaching them how to handle their own anger. The transition from corporal to corporal free discipline may take time and patience, but will, in the long run, make better communicators out of the entire family.

Ten Keys to Successful Parenting
A Positive Parenting article

It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.

The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.

1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)

Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored.

It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time with me" (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."

2 - Use Action, Not Words

Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.

3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful

If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.

4 - Use Natural Consequences

Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.

5 - Use Logical Consequences

Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.

6 - Withdraw from Conflict

If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.

7 - Seperate the Deed from the Doer

Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?

8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time

Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?

9 - Parent with the End in Mind

Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.

10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through

If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.

This document is produced by the International Network for Children and Families and the 350 instructors of the "Redirecting Children's Behavior" course.